So apparently, once, a German party-goer with a complex chemical reaction unfolding in his stomach, gave up all hope of reestablishing contact with the world outside his cranium, and went fuck it, let's bend this bender to its bendiest: here's the glass of water Hans has been using as an ashtray, I'm gonna pour a … Continue reading Against Club Matte | a polemic →

--BEGIN TRANSCRIPT-- DEFENDANT: I swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. PROSECUTOR: Mr. REDACTED, can you talk a bit about your past business ventures? DEFENDANT: Um, let's see. We tried a company that you pay to change the arrangement of someone’s furniture as a birthday surprise. We tried an … Continue reading The Guilt Seller Pleads Innocent | excerpt from a deposition →

Location: Anywhere that isn't lava Time: who are we kidding Join us as we give our weary species one last hurrah just in time to watch the fireworks that will engulf us in blazing perfection! Paint your body and face in skeleton patterns using the volcanic soot that you're breathing anyway and lock hands with … Continue reading they don’t party for the end of the world like they used to | a tragedy →

Don't forget to hang up the phone after the call is finished. Don't forget to speak into the phone after the other person has picked up. Don't talk to a third person while you're on the phone. Don't attempt to figure out Skype or other forms of Internet telephony. Don't whispershout when there's company. Don't … Continue reading Against Turning Into Your Parents | a note →